Life Support
by HannahGraceRusher
Summary: I want to say goodbye, James. That's what this letter is all about. It's a goodbye, because I'm pretty sure I won't be able to say it myself when the time comes. Depressing one shot that I couldnt get out of my head. Character death. Super sad. Warning... or something. Bring napkins.


"He's very weak... It's a miracle he's still fighting it." The doctor mumbled lowly and James nodded his head, trying his best to fight back the tears that were pressing against the inside of his eyelids. "He's a true warrior, he must be the strongest one I've treated. No one's managed to fight it for this long."

James nodded again and gulped a bit. "That's the thing, doctor... he isn't fighting it... he's embracing it." He murmured and tried to force some air into his lungs.

Kendall Knight had gone from a happy, healthy young man to a weak and faded ghost. He'd been fighting cancer for almost ten years now and he was at his limit. His body was finally giving up and it had all went down in a matter of days. One day he was out playing a game of street hockey with his best friends and the next he was in the hospital in a barbiturate-induced coma. It was heartbreaking to see. The ECG was just barely beeping every now and then and the blond couldn't even breathe by himself but had to get help by a ventilator. James had just lost track of how many machines his best friend was hooked up to.

The doctor gave a sigh and glanced down at Kendall's vitals again. "I'm sorry, sir... but there isn't much more we can do for him." He said silently and shook his head. "I'm afraid he isn't responding to any medication or..." He sighed again. "I'm truly sorry..."

"I'm sorry too..." James mumbled and frowned. "Thank you, doctor... for trying."

The doctor frowned and bowed his head before leaving the brunet alone in the room. James took a seat next to the bed and took a gentle hold of Kendall's pale and thin hand. The blond's skin was dry and almost transparent and James felt his heart break a million times just thinking about how Kendall had looked before.

Almost all of his golden hair had fallen out and his lips were almost blue. James hadn't seen Kendall's green eyes for weeks and the last time he saw them they were pale and misty and not at all their glossy and shiny selves. James frowned and gulped down another set of tears. "I'm sorry. I tried everything..." He whined and looked down at the blond. "I tried everything, Kendall. I've been everywhere. I've flown all over the world to try and help you." He whispered. "I'm sorry..."

He didn't get an answer and just a moment or two later the door opened and Logan peeked his head into the room. "James?" He asked softly but the brunet ignored him. "James... t-there's papers for you to sign a-and there's still Kendall's will that we have to go through and I think you might want to-"

"FUCKING CHRIST, LOGAN!"James shouted and shot up from his seat. "You're talking and acting as if he's already dead!"

"James..." Logan frowned.

"I don't care what they say, Logan... He's not dead yet. His heart is beating, he's breathing."

"James, his lungs and heart stopped working days ago..." Logan mumbled. "It's not him anymore. Only machines."

"Fuck you, Logan." James muttered and turned his back against the raven haired boy. "Go and fuck yourself and leave me the fuck alone." He hissed and grabbed Kendall's hand again, holding it tightly and hoping to feel the weak pounding of the blond's pulse under the tips of his fingers.

Logan hesitated a bit and then walked into the room, dropping an envelope in James' lap together with a small small plastic container – looking suspiciously much like the little plastic egg you get from kinder egg treats. "He left this for you." Logan mumbled and then left the room and shut the door behind himself, shutting James in in the silent room once more.

The brunet gulped a bit and looked down at the envelope and the little plastic egg. This was all Kendall had left for him? With trembling hands he slowly and carefully opened the envelope and picked the letter out.

_Dear James._

_If you read this it means I took a turn for the worse and I'm lying in a bed somewhere turning into fly food. It's been almost ten years since I got the diagnosis and if I make it to ten years I'll throw a big party but I doubt that that will happen... _

_I don't know how many times I've tried to write this letter. I'm sure I have a few hundred drafts lying around in my room. I just don't know what to say... _

_You're my best friend, James. We've been friends for as long as I can remember, then again... I can't remember much since this stupid tumor thingy is growing on my brain and messing with my memory and emotions. But I do remember one thing and that's the day we met._

_We met the third of June in the park by the swings. You were wearing a blue t-shirt with a red star on it and your hair was short because your mom had just made you cut it. We bumped into each other and you asked me what my favorite super hero was, then you invited me to play with your toy cars. Two days later you said that I was your best friend. _

_You were always there. When I asked a girl out for the first time. When I broke my arm. When my dad left. When we won the little league in hockey. You were always there. When I told you that I was sick you were there and you didn't budge, you didn't move an inch and told me that if I fought you'd be my sidekick and help out. (You kept comparing yourself to Samwise...)_

_You're like the brother I never got and I love you like one. Hell, sometimes I've wondered if I haven't loved you more. (But then I think about Jo and she's kind of hotter than you so... Sorry, but you're a brother and not a lover.)_

_Anyways, back to reality. I'm sorry I couldn't do it, James. I try my best everyday to get healthy but it's so hard. It always hurts. My body is weak, I can't lift my books anymore and I can barely see anything! I'm rotting away from the inside and I don't know for how long I can hold on... How depressing, right?_

_I keep strolling from the topic..._

_I want to say goodbye, James. That's what this letter is all about. It's a goodbye, because I'm pretty sure I won't be able to say it myself when the time comes. _

_I left my will to my mom today and quite honestly, I didn't leave you anything because if it was you who was dying I wouldn't want your stuff lying around in my house. It'd be too much for me. So I only left you one thing and don't tell anyone because people will think I'm gay and lame but it's the most precious thing I own. (Except for my Bauer Vapor APX 2 hockey stick. I'm taking that one to the grave.)_

_Hopefully you'll be able to move on and live your life. I'll miss you, James. (I'll save front row seat for you on the cloud close to the Victoria Secret angels.) Don't miss me too much. Just... you know... remember me a little. Just don't forget me. _

_This is getting long and I don't want it to be too long... but I don't want to stop. I want to sit and write like this forever so that you can read it forever..._

_Look at that... when you speak of the devil. Looks like you're calling and I'll put this away and pick up the phone. Thank you for twenty years of an awesome friendship, James. Take care of yourself._

_- Kendall Knight_

James' eyes scanned the paper for more he turned it and flipped it and held it up in front of the light to see if there was any hidden messages. Nothing. His hazel eyes wandered down to the little plastic egg and he grabbed it and popped it open. Inside was a small little Smurf figure with an orange wheelbarrow. James remembered it. He'd given it to Kendall when they were around nine since he knew that the blond collected them and that the Smurf with the wheelbarrow was the only one missing from his little collection.

James' eyes teared up and he looked down at the blond that laid silent and pale in the bed. "Damn you, Kendall..." James sniffled and wiped his eyes. "This isn't fair, why'd you have to bring up all that? It makes it so much worse..." He whined and shoved the small figure into his pocket and grabbed Kendall's hand again.

He was silent for a while and gulped a bit looking at all the machines and tubes around Kendall. He'd been pronounced dead a few hours ago but no one had had the courage to properly end it. James hands were trembling and he gulped again and got up from his chair and walked up to the largest of the machines and turned it off. It happened so fast that he barely knew what was going on.

All the other machines beeped and buzzed before turning themselves off and it was as if James could hear Kendall let out a sigh of relief. Like he was finally set free and James clenched his hands into fists and closed his eyes, taking a deep breath and trying to collect himself.

He leaned down and pressed his lips against the blond's forehead. "Rest easy, buddy." He mumbled. "I'll see you on the other side. Keep that spot for me and dibs on Candice." He sighed and stood up straight before walking to the door and looking over his shoulder at the blond in the bed, no longer powered by the machines surrounding him. "Peace out."

He walked out of the room and just down the hall he could see Logan and Carlos sit with their head hung low as they went through a bunch of paper works. They both looked up when James came walking. "James, what-" Logan started but the brunet shook his head.

"It's done." He mumbled and looked away. "I set him free..."

Logan frowned and got up and hugged him, Carlos did too and sniffled into James' shirt. "He was so brave." Logan whispered and sniffled. "I can't imagine what he went through..."

James stayed silent and let his friends hug him. Once they were done consoling each other for the time being they went back and continued to fill in a few papers and James offered to go and drop them off at the reception. Logan and Carlos nodded and went out to go and get the car. James walked up to the reception desk and smiled weakly at the nurse sitting behind it. "Here..." He mumbled and handed the papers over.

"I'm sorry how about your loss, sir..." The nurse said and frowned a bit.

"Thank you." James mumbled. "Um... I was just wondering... c-could you perhaps print something out for me?" he asked and the nurse smiled a bit at him and nodded.

"Of course, honey. What can I do for you?"

"Can you print out a patients file? A CT scan?" James asked.

The nurse frowned a bit and gave him a sad look. "I'm sorry, sir... But I can't give out patient files to anyone. They're strictly private and-"

James shook his head. "It's not his... it's mine. Could I get a copy of it?" he asked and the nurse look a little taken aback before nodding slowly and typing a bit on her computer.

"Name please." She said.

"James Diamond." The brunet said lowly. "My Doctor's Dr. Henderson." The nurse kept typing for a bit before she frowned and printed out another set of papers and put it all in an envelope and handed it to James. "Thanks..." James mumbled.

"I'm sorry, sir." The nurse said when he turned to leave.

James shrugged his shoulders and went outside and found Carlos and Logan by the car. The latino and the raven haired boy got into the car and James jumped into the backseat behind the others and sat silently. Carlos sat and absently looked out through the window and Logan concentrated on the road. The brunet in the backseat on the other hand was looking down at the brown envelope and gulped a bit before opening it up.

The scan was a mess of white and black lumps inside a thin, irregular, white circle and James gave a sigh. He was planning on telling Kendall and hoping that they could go through it all together but... it was a little too late for that. James was only glad that Kendall didn't have to be in pain anymore and happy that he wouldn't have to go through anymore horrific surgeries and lie in a hospital. Now it was James' turn to fight and he was determined to fight and win for Kendall's sake. James would fight but at the same time he wasn't scared of failing because if he did he'd get to be with his best friend again.

"You okay, James?" Logan asked and looked at him through the rear mirror.

"I'm fine." James sighed. "Or... well... as fine as I can be." He mumbled and Logan frowned. James hesitated a bit before sighing once more. "Hey, could you drop me off at my mother's house? I need to talk to her."

* * *

><p><strong>Ah, shit... where did this come from? SO depressing and I'm like crying...<strong>

**I don't know where this came from but I wrote it and I'm uploading it and... what am I supposed to say? It's so sad and angsty and depressing... Like darn.**

**In a way I want to say "I hope you didn't enjoy it" and "Sorry for doing this to you" but you know... this just kind of popped up in my head and I felt so bad about it... I'm such a depressing person...**

**Thank you for reading I suppose and I hope I didn't ruint anyone's life.**

**Take care of yourself.**

**- Hannah**


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